To KimuTaku on His 37th Year
“I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum…
Shall I play for you, pa rum pum pum pum,
On my drum…”
– E.G., The Little Dorama Girl
(Ha! Too late.)
[Disclaimer: I stopped writing poetry when I was twelve, and it’s (painfully) obvious from reading this that I’ve picked up EXACTLY where I left off… hahahahaha]
O, KimuTaku, you’re cooler than cool!
Over my heart’s domain, uncontested you rule.
You’re the lone cherry blossom floating in my cesspool!
My Chrysanthemum Throne is your humble footstool.
Each second my heart burns up one kilojoule,
And your voice alone triggers a Pavlovian drool!
In the day I’m reduced to a gibbering fool…
Nights find me restless, a wandering ghoul.
How I wish I could download you on eMule…
I know that I’m just being obtuse,
But when I don’t see you, I get the blues…
So I try to drown all my emptiness in booze,
Till I turn five different shades of chartreuse!
But babe, you’ve left my Engine running loose!
Only you light my fire, and ignite my fuse.
My pulse keeps racing like a mad mongoose!
Your smile alone can derail my… caboose.
(Netizens: “We’re not amused! Report abuse!”)
So to go any further, I must sadly refuse.
But the second Johnny puts you up on eBay,
I’ll be first in line—I promise I’ll pay!
Quit my job pronto! and take a Long Vacay,
Bring you home to enjoy for a year and a day!
Well, maybe a bit longer… is a decade okay?
I’ll read you “A Rose for Emily” every single day,
Then we’ll act out the story—just like a play!
Oh, what great fun we’ll have! Whadd’ya say?
Oh, you got NO idea what I’m willing to pay…
You seem to have it all, with the kids and the wife:
Sure sounds a lot like a Beautiful Life.
The knowledge you’re taken—it cuts like a knife!
*E.G. starts playing a sad tune on her fife*
Beware: my obsessions have a long shelf life!
But I’ll try to be patient, and avoid causing strife.
Loving you from a distance will have to suffice…
(But I got first dibs on you in the Afterlife!)
(Netizens: “Lowlife! Get a life!”)
Yep, ‘bout time chumps like me went and got a life.
In 2046 you were just that guy,
With the funny little mustache and hair all awry,
Who fell in love with a droid and did nothing but sigh
On a train ride to nowhere, through a futuristic sky.
Back then I had eyes just for Tony Leung Chiu Wai,
But now we all know that’s a BIG FAT LIE!!!
Feelings can change in a twinkle of an eye,
When a lightning bolt hits you with a spell: STUPEFY!
(Banzai! Wong Kar Wai!)
From now on, you’ll never be “just that guy.”
Who can forget you in Change? Impossible to,
Sporting that fried orange “Japfro” hairdo.
From schoolteacher, to lawmaker, then on to—who?
That’s Prime Minister Asakura-san for you!
Mr. Brain , Kuryu Kohei—unlikely heroes, too.
(Is it really that hard to bid these roles adieu?)
But I still wish you’d do more ren’ai renzoku,
‘Coz nobody plays Romantic Lead better than you!
I still think that hair’s always been your Waterloo…
Pride was an experience SO incredibly intense!
As you sped around the ice rink, my life was changed thence.
Those romantic twists left me breathless with suspense!
You had me at “Halu”—I’ll make no pretense.
Saying “maybe” every sentence—that hardly made sense!
But your looks and charisma did more than recompense.
“I was born to love you baby,” it’s divine Providence!
When that coffeepot fell over—well, there went my innocence!
For your Blue Scorpions jersey, I’ll sell my bro for sixpence…
You and Matsu became, in Love Generation,
The “Golden Combi” of the entire Nihonjin Nation.
That amazing chemistry—oh, sweet intoxication!
Each kiss you shared took us to a higher elevation!
Broke our little shipper hearts, your platonic situation,
Though every now and then, we do a li’l commemoration
Of the love you could’ve shared with a bit more… stimulation.
(Maybe all those feelings are just… in hibernation?)
(Kudo Shizuka: “Tarnation! I’ll sue for defamation!”)
Oh, we know Teppei loves Riiko—that needs no validation.
So, happy birthday KimuTaku, I hope you have a blast.
Enjoy your moment now, for we all know it won’t last.
Stardom fades, people forget, good looks desert you fast,
Even that impressive career will later be surpassed.
Be kind to people (including your fans!), for when all this is past,
What matters won’t be all the fame, or fortune you amassed,
But how you’ll be remembered when your flag flies at half-mast.
A life lived with Love and Honor can never be outclassed.
Best wishes (and sweet kisses!) from this ardent enthusiast.