Tuesdays with Mori

Mori Katsuyuki’s Underground Weekly Advice Column for Disgruntled Johnnies and Ex-Johnnies

by Ender’s Girl

Below is the excerpted correspondence between professional speedway racer (and ex-SMAP member) Mori Katsuyuki, and letter-sender Akanishi Jin, formerly of the JE group KAT-TUN.

22 June 2010

Dear Mori-san,

I hope my letter reaches you safe and sound. I’m not sure if you know me, but my name is Akanishi Jin and I’m a Johnny. People call me “Akanishi-kun” and close friends call me “Jin-kun” or “Bakanishi.” (Except for Kamenashi, who calls me “Big Boy” when we’re alone. Or… “Nishi-poo.” But that’s just between you and me.)

I’m writing to you because I’m feeling kind of lost at the moment. Mori-san, I know all about your days with SMAP, and how you so bravely left your group so you could chase your moto racing dream and it’s like so cool that you did that. I was very young when you quit the Jimusho but I remember that it was all over the news and you’re like, my hero Mori-san! Because I’m seriously thinking of leaving my group, KAT-TUN. Like, for good? (You heard of us? We’re on TV a lot. We’re the kakkoi ones in the Jimusho. Not fluffy and boring and always smiling and la-la-la like our senpai Arashi, or NEWS (except Tomohisa, who is kakkoi and my friend). But don’t tell NEWS and Arashi I said that.)

Don’t get me wrong – I’m very grateful for my career with the Jimusho. The money ain’t much ‘coz the Old Man takes everything we earn (I’m sure you would know), but at least I get to do what I do best, which is to like, sing? (To be honest I’m the only one in my group with the vocal talent to make it worldwide — although K. will scratch my eyes out if he hears this, so shhhh!!!) But I like being famous ‘coz everyone gives me free stuff. Like, free food? And when I go into bars I can party the night away with random foreign chicks without having to pay them. So yeah, this whole fame thing is kinda cool. It’s just that sometimes… I dunno, I’ve been doing the same sh*t for nearly a decade but it’s like, I still don’t know who I really am. I need to find myself. Maybe I’ll find myself… in America!

I really need your advice on what to do. Lately it’s become unbearable with the other members. I dunno why I’ve been feeling extra pissed around them. So I give them sh*t and then they give me sh*t… okay so maybe only Koki and Kamenashi give me sh*t. Usually Ueda just goes to a corner and cries into his mirror, while Junnosuke and Nakamaru – those wusses ain’t kakkoi enough, they shoulda been with NEWS from the start – they run off to tell the Old Man that we’re fighting again. So anyway, it’s been really tense at work the past few months, which is why the Old Man sent me to America to “cool off” and do solo concerts while the guys rehearse for the World Big Tour. Their World Big Tour since I don’t think I’ll be a part of it after all. Do I still wanna dance and sing and be famous? Hellyeah, but not with KAT-TUN. Not anymore. (There, I’ve said it.)

Mori-san, I feel so lost. What should I do?

‘Coz I just wanna make it worldwide,

Jin

******

6 July 2010

Dear Akanishi-san,

Thank you for your touching letter. It gives me great pleasure to know that I still inspire young artists to chart their own paths and refuse to be dictated to by wrinkly old gnomes who think they rule the universe.

Yes, I know about your group KAT-TUN. I don’t really follow the gossip rags, but my old friends from the industry sometimes mention you in passing when we go out for drinks and yakiniku. I’ve heard a few of your songs on the radio while driving to and from the racetrack. Good stuff. You have a nice voice and you should keep honing your talent.

I’m honored that you look up to me as your idoru. When I left SMAP and the Jimusho in 1996, I knew it was the biggest decision of my life, but didn’t know then if the gamble would ever pay off. I just knew that moto racing was what I wanted to do more than anything. When I signed up for my first meet as a pro, I performed horribly – but I kept going and going and going, one race after another until I was winning more than losing, and I could earn enough money to get married and start a family.

My advice to you is, if you’re dead-set on leaving your group just make sure you have an equally strong desire to pursue the alternate path. If starting a career in America is really your dream, then by all means, go for it! Don’t! Stop! Believing! And… Don’t! Stop! Loving… what you do, because that my friend is the key to success. Just have the fortitude to stick by your decision, because there’ll be many miles of rough terrain ahead before the results starts to show. Don’t be discouraged if the big breaks don’t come right away. Just keep the pedal to the metal and your eyes on the track, and you’ll be fine. You may have gotten off the beaten path at the moment, but remember that all roads lead to the finish line – even detours such as these.

Ganbare!

Yours truly,

Mori Katsuyuki


20 July 2010

Dear Mori-san,

Thanks for the awesome advice! I still have to pinch myself that you actually read my letter and answered it. Now I feel that I can tell you anything. I never really had a senpai that I got along with at the Jimusho, but I kind of wish it was you instead.

So I followed what you said and I’m staying in America, hopefully for good! (But I plan to go back home once in a while just to make sure the fans there don’t forget me. You know, do concerts and stuff?) Too bad the other members didn’t take my… resignation that well. Koki started punching the wall and cussing (in rap), Ueda went off to a corner and started crying into his mirror as usual, and Junnosuke and Nakamaru (as expected) ran off to tell the Old Man, who didn’t seem like he was surprised by my decision. I guess he saw it coming. He’s scary that way. And as for Kamenashi, well, there was a lot of screaming and kicking and throwing things… none of it coming from my end, by the way. The Old Man had to send four of his grunts to sedate Kamenashi. Wasn’t pretty. At all. Now he says he won’t speak to me like, ever.

Anyway, I’m just glad that awful stuff is past. So I’m back in America, and life in sunny California is da bomb! I’m so happy I followed your advice, Mori-san! The people here are so nice and friendly and I can eat burgers and French fries all day without K. breathing down my neck (um, literally too) and ordering me to watch my weight ‘coz the Old Man and the fans won’t like it if I get tubby again like in 2008.

I found a small apartment in downtown L.A. which I’m sharing with two other roommates: a Russian tattoo artist and an exchange student from one of those small Spanish-speaking countries. The Russian guy and I don’t talk much because he keeps to his room, but the exchange student is SO annoying. He likes to go through my stuff and “borrow” my old KAT-TUN costumes without asking – especially the ones with studs and red sequins. And he’s weird. He sleeps during the day and then leaves around 10 PM to go to school, he says. But he’s always dressed up in these really short skirts and spiky heels. And he wears a LOT of makeup. (On some days he reminds me of K.)

I’ve called up the Old Man a few times asking if I can move to a bigger place and live alone, but he won’t let me. He says the rent is very high in America and that living with roommates “builds character.”

Sometimes it gets really lonely here in America. I miss my friends, especially Tomohisa-kun. I wish he’d call me more often, but I hear he’s always out partying with that Keiko ho chick. I miss going clubbing with him. That dude is one in a mirriyon.

Almost every night since I moved here, I’ve been getting these weird phone calls. I keep saying “moshi mosh? moshi mosh?” but all I hear is heavy breathing for a full minute before the line is disconnected. Obviously the caller thinks he’s being anonymous, but Kamenashi doesn’t know that I haven’t deleted his number from my SIM card.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know that I’m doing fine here in America.

‘Coz Imma make it worldwide,

Jin

p.s. There’s this creepy old man in a Hawaiian shirt that likes to stand on the curb outside my window on most nights, watching my room. I’ve never met him in my life. Do you think I should talk to him if he approaches me?

******

3 August 2010

My dear Jin-kun, (may I call you Jin-kun?)

I am happy to hear you are adjusting nicely in America. And don’t worry about your bandmates feeling a little sore that you’ve left the group. It’s natural for them to feel that way, especially since you’ve been together for so long. But they’ll learn to live with your absence and will do just fine without you – maybe even better. In that case, don’t begrudge them their success if they remain stronger than ever, and they’ll learn to be happy for you as well. Believe me, I should know. Bottom line is, no regrets, right?

Your roommates sound… interesting. Especially that foreign exchange student… if that’s what he says he is. Be nice, but not TOO nice or they might take advantage of you. And you don’t need to lend them your costumes if you don’t want to. Get a lock for your room if you have to — just as a precaution. The “exchange student” seems irritating but harmless, but something tells me that the Russian guy is not good company.

And why does the Old Man get to decide where you live and who you live with? If he won’t increase your rent money, I suggest you find another job without telling him. You can work as a busboy at a nearby diner – maybe just a few shifts a week, enough to help tide you over. Then try to save enough money to move out and find your own place. It’ll be better that way. Just don’t let your second job get in the way of your rehearsals and live performances.

By the way, how are your concerts doing?

Your friend,

Mori

p.s. I’d steer clear of the creepy ojiisan if I were you. Trust me on this.


17 August 2010

Dear Mori-san,

Yeah, I’ve been doing a couple of gigs here and there. Lots of Asian fans come to watch me, white people too. It’s really not that hard. You know, doing the concerts? A few songs I get to actually sing, but most of the time the deejay takes over so all I have to do is dance and clap my hands and move my mouth like I’m singing. Then I sign a few autographs and go backstage to collect my talent fee for the night, which is — get this!!! — five whole Big Mac meals, supersized with fries and Coke! I’ve never been so excited to perform, Mori-san! Because I just think of my McDonald’s waiting backstage for me, and all my tiredness goes away! But before I can leave with the food I have to stack up the chairs and mop the floor of the concert venue after the fans have left. I don’t know if it’s really part of my contract, but the organizers keep saying that it “builds character and appetite.” I don’t want to be deported (how embarrassing!) so I just follow.

Thanks for that advice on finding my own place. I’ve already saved up $ 1.40 from my weekly allowance from the Old Man. Do you think that’s enough down payment for an apartment? I still have trouble converting yen to dollars in my head. (I was never good at Math in school. I always cut class and got into fights, and my Math teacher was such an idiot. Didn’t learn us no ‘rithmetic. All she ever made us do was run after the sh*tty sunset while kicking some sh*t can through the muddy fields.) Anyway, I keep my savings in the little heart-shaped piggy bank with kiss marks all over that K. gave me for my 25th birthday.

A funny thing happened to me when I was hunting for a second job.  I was about to leave the apartment to look for work at a diner downtown like you said, but my Russian roommate suddenly came out of his room and asked me where I was going. When I told him I was gonna apply as a dishwasher or a busboy, he said I could make more money if I worked for him instead. So he took me inside his room and when I asked what all the funny-looking plants were doing on his windowsill – you know, the ones that look like hands — he said they were there to keep the moths away. Then he gave me a large duffel bag filled with zebra stuffed toys and told me to take the bag to a guy named Jorge at the address written on a piece of paper. I asked my Russian roommate why some of the stuffed zebras had white powder on them but he said the powder was there to keep away the germs. He also said I would get paid when I came back after I successfully delivered the bag. I was so excited to be earning $ 20.00!!! (So much money Mori-san!)

So I took the bag and left the apartment. The creepy old man was still standing on the curb, looking at me, but I followed your advice and ignored him. When I got to the address I saw it was a nightclub and the bouncer told me to use the back door and that Jorge was waiting inside. When I entered the club I was so happy ‘coz it was just like I imagined when I wrote the song “Lovejuice.” I was finally living my dream, Mori-san! I decided that after I delivered the bag I would stay and join the action on the dance floor, but before I could find Jorge there was a loud crashing noise and then police came swarming into the club and everyone started screaming. I was so scared! So I dropped the bag and ran outside. I fell down a few times but I found a dumpster in a nearby alley and hid inside until the police sirens grew fainter and fainter. It started raining and I was cold and wet and hungry, Mori-san! But I didn’t want to leave because the police might come back. So I spent the night there in the dumpster. To be honest at that point I really felt like giving up and going back home. Then I remembered what you wrote in your letter and told myself to be strong. ‘Coz Imma make it worldwide!

Then I heard shuffling footsteps outside the dumpster. I was scared it was the cops, but when the lid opened I saw the face of that creepy ojiisan I was telling you about. He followed me all the way from my apartment! I think I screamed in fright but he said “YOU! Quiet!!!” and I was so scared I couldn’t even speak. Then the creepy ojiisan took out a calling card and let it fall to my lap. His name is Donny Shirakawa and he’s a talent manager. He asked me if I wanted to become rich and famous in America and of course I said yes! So he helped me out of the dumpster and took me to a McDonald’s where I had three whole Quarter Pounders and two milkshakes. Then he made me sign a piece of paper he was keeping inside his trench coat. (I was too tired and hungry to read it. But Donny said it was my new contract and it would help me get famous, so I signed it.) He’s creepy as hell and he always looks at me funny, but maybe he ain’t so bad after all.

Mori-san, I think me and Donny Shirakawa are gonna get along just fine! (I’ve tried calling him Donny-san or Donny-sama but he says since we’re in America, just “Donny” will do. He’s cool that way.)

‘Coz Imma make it worldwide,

Jin

******

31 August 2010

My dear Jin-kun,

Oh my. I’m sorry to hear about your harrowing experience. I hope you are much better now? But did I not advise you not to let your roommates use you to their advantage? Now it seems that your Russian roommate has done just that. It is a good thing that you were not caught by the police or you would have been extradited back home. Not to scare you, but we all know what happens to our countrymen who have brought disgrace upon themselves, ne?

So be extra careful around people over there. Especially that Donny Shirakawa fella. Again, you did not heed my advice to stay away from him no matter what the circumstances were. Yes, I know you were in trouble that night and needed a helping hand, but do you really think it’s a good idea to be completely indebted to someone like him? I just hope he does not make you do anything that you are not comfortable with.

What is the use of writing me for advice if you do not follow it?

Still wishing you all the best,

(Still) your friend Mori


14 September 2010

Dear Mori,

Um, no disrespect, but aren’t you overreacting a little? Maybe even more than a little.  Trust me, I know what I’m doing, so chill. Donny Shirakawa has been taking very good care of me. He even helped me move out of my apartment (so good riddance to my annoying roommates!). He counted my savings in my piggy bank and said the money wasn’t enough to get me my own place, but good thing he had an extra bedroom in his townhouse so I’m staying there for now. And the best part is that I can order all the burgers and fries that I want – all on his tab! I never see him eat – actually he likes to watch me eat. But… um, I don’t mind at all ‘coz the food tastes so good!

And Donny says I don’t have to wash dishes or bus tables to earn extra money, ‘coz he can land me a lot more gigs aside from the You & Jin concerts that I’ve been doing here. He’s a talent manager, you see. The other week he asked me if I brought any of my old KAT-TUN costumes to America, and I answered that yes I had – I mean, I brought ALL of my costumes with me ‘coz I just couldn’t bear to leave them behind, you know. Then Donny told me to wear one of my outfits from Queen of Pirates, the one with the ruffled blouse and brocaded overcoat. He said it was ‘coz he just booked me a gig and I was very excited!

So I changed right away and we left his apartment and went downtown where he made me stand on a busy street corner holding up an empty tin can in one hand and a little silver bell in the other. He told me to tinkle the bell and maybe hum a few bars of our KAT-TUN songs from time to time, so that people would put money in the can. I asked Donny what it was all for and he said it was to “build character” and “for exposure” so that Americans would recognize me when I finally get to launch my own album – hopefully soon! So he left me there and came back to get me after six hours. I was a bit cold and hungry and most of the time people just stopped to stare at me, but I knew it was for my U.S. career so it was all good.  I hope after this I make it in America as a big star! By the way I made $ 5.90 all in all! I turned the money over to Donny and he said he would invest it for me. Maybe next month Imma be a mirriyonaire!

Then the following day, Donny said that I was gonna make my first live appearance onstage after my You & Jin concerts. I couldn’t wait to perform onstage again so I said “hellyeah!” He told me to wear one of my baggy white shirts and jeans and my best sparkly hat, and to wear my hair down (with extra hair gloss) and put on lots of makeup – like in the “Lips” PV. Donny also made me memorize this English song that I didn’t know all that well, but I guess it was okay. I wanted to sing my original compositions like “Lovejuice” and “Christmas Morning” but Donny said it was good to mix in a few songs that Americans were already familiar with.

Then Donny took me to a hotel function room filled with people and tables and lots of waiters carrying food, and I saw a lady dressed in a white gown with a man in a tux and they were going around the tables talking to the guests. There was a band already onstage and Donny made me get up beside them and perform the song I was practicing earlier. So I took a deep breath and started singing “Do You Really Want to Hurt Me” and I think I did good ‘coz the guests stopped talking and just sat there looking at me. It was a really nice song, Mori-san, and when I got to the chorus (“Do you really want to hurt me… Do you really want to make me cry…”) I got a little teary-eyed myself thinking about K. and how we went through so much together only to end up like this. (He still calls, by the way. As usual, he says nothing and just breathes into his receiver. It’s become kind of our nightly… thing while I’m here in America.)

I think I my performance was good, ‘coz right after singing “Do You Really Want to Hurt Me” the guests started clapping and whistling and laughing and drinking from their wine bottles. I looked over at Donny who was standing in the wings and he made a little circular gesture with his index finger, so I started singing “Do You Really Want to Hurt Me” all over again. Then I sang it again and again so I didn’t have time for my originals. After singing it for like ten times the people started throwing their wine glasses at the stage (maybe they weren’t happy with the house band’s amateur playing?) and that’s when Donny hurried over and pulled me backstage and we had to leave the hotel through the kitchen. I asked Donny about it and he said that throwing glass objects is one way that Americans show their appreciation and it means they loved my performance so it’s all good.

‘Coz Imma definitely make it worldwide!!! I can feel it in the air!!!

Jin

******

28 September 2010

Jin,

That does it. My patience and goodwill are nearing their end. I’ve tried to help you all these months but you clearly do NOT realize how that Donny Shirakawa fella has been taking advantage of you. And the worst part about it is that you think he’s doing it for your own good.  I know his type, and if you’re not careful you’ll end up just as exploited, overworked and unhappy as you were when you were still with KAT-TUN (admit it, that’s why you left).

You think you’ll become a big recording star in America that way? Think again, amigo. This is your last chance to let me help you. Then you’re on your own.

Mori


12 October 2010

Yo Mori,

Why can’t you just be happy for me? I’m doing my gigs and making money aren’t I? I said that I know what I’m doing.

I told Donny about our letters and he says you’re probably just bitter that after you left SMAP they suddenly became superstars while you struggled with your racing career. He also thinks that you secretly regret leaving the Jimusho and wish you were still an idoru like me. That’s why you’re finding it hard to accept that Imma go places with my music career – oh excuse me, I meant my INTERNATIONAL music career. It’s obviously something you know nothing of.

I kind of feel sorry for you, now that I think about it. Good thing Donny is there to guide me. I told him my head hurts when I think too much and he said I should just eat some more French fries while he does the thinking for me. I’m so glad I didn’t take your advice about him ‘coz you were SO WRONG. Actually, I don’t really need your help after all.

Jin

p.s. And for your information, Donny never runs out of gigs for me. The other night he told me to wear my costume from the “Real Face” PV and then he added a red hat, which Donny said went very well with my red vest. Then I helped him push a heavy crate from inside his bedroom down the stairs and out of his apartment building. Donny opened the side of the crate and wheeled out this weird box thingy that he called a “street organ.” Then we found a spot on the pavement and he handed me the tin can from before and told me to go around collecting money while I sang my original compositions. He was cranking the street organ the whole time and his music didn’t seem very much in harmony with my songs but the people didn’t seem to mind. Mostly they just stopped to stare at me for a few minutes and some even dropped coins into my tin can. I caught a few women shaking their heads and saying “Poor thing…” and it kind of bothered me for a second but Donny pulled me aside and said I should “make the most of people’s emotions” so if more people dropped money into the can because they felt sorry for me, then it was really a good thing. Then a few hours later an LAPD police car pulled over in front of us and the cops inside told us to “beat it.” One of them asked if I was staying in the country legally and could he take a look at my visa, and I didn’t know what that meant but when Donny told me to run I just ran and we met up later at his apartment and luckily the cops didn’t bother chasing us and I made $ 23.95 that day and Donny patted my head and said good job and I asked if I could keep the red hat and he said of course and I was very proud of myself and so yeah, FOR YOUR INFORMATION I VERY MUCH HAVE A SINGING CAREER IN AMERICA SO YOU CAN GO SUCK ON IT, MORI. *cough* Has-been! *cough*

******

26 October 2010

“Has-been”? “Has-been”??? For YOUR information I’m now a bemedaled professional speedway racer, BAKAnishi.  I can’t believe I wasted all that scented stationery just replying to your stupid whiny letters, you ungrateful little sh*t. In fact, I can’t believe I took the TIME to even READ you stupid whiny letters. I should have known you weren’t worth it from all the rancid greasy fingerprints you left on the letter paper. (You probably can’t even walk two meters without ducking into a McDonald’s for your cholesterol-flavored French fries. Yum yum.)

You’ll never make it worldwide. NEVER. Not by the year 3010 (ha! ha! ha!), and not in a million years. Maybe it’s time you left America and hightailed it back to your out-of-tune boyfriends.

(Oh and by the way, I’ve always thought that your songs are pure sh*t.)


2 November 2010

Whatcha mean boyfriends??? What the f**k, man????? Are ya callin’ me a homo??? Koki and I ain’t homos!!!!!! Didn’t you see my AnAn special edition photo shoot??? Me and the white chick were seriously getting it ON! I’M A REAL MAN!!! I’M A REAL MAN!!!

Sh*t man, I wanna go over there and beat you up so bad people can’t tell the difference between your face and that asphalty black stuff they coat your crappy little racetrack with.

And don’t you be callin’ me “Bakanishi” no more ‘coz I changed my name to Aquaneesha. Donny suggested I go by Aquaneesha when I’m performing ‘coz it gives off a really cool soul-rapper vibe, y‘know what I’m sayin’? (Of course you don’t, ‘coz you’re OLD and UNCOOL.)

p.s.  Donny says to tell you that he has… friends back home who can make sure your next race will be your last. All it takes is a little “fiddling” with your stupid bike’s spark plug or sprocket… so I’d really really watch it if I were you.

******

9 November 2010

Dearest Aquaneesha (and I’m so glad you changed your name to Aquaneesha because now you just gave me another reason to feel sorry for you),

Oh, so you’re threatening me now??? You’re FUNNY. Ha ha ha.

You want a piece of me, you little fairy-punk?

And I agree, we should’ve crossed paths back in the Jimusho… so I could’ve run my motorbike all over your stupid pouty face. Again and again and again.


16 November 2010

Well, you’re — you’re — you’re a has-been!!! Has-been!!! Has-been!!!

******

23 November 2010

You already called me that two letters ago. Poor Aquaneesha! Running out of vocabulary words, are we?

Your 34984 x more eloquent senpai,

Mori-SAMA


30 November 2010

Oh, so you want more vocabulary words? You want eloquent? (What’s “eloquent” mean? Don’t use big words, smart-ass.) Never mind ‘coz I’ll give you eloquent, you […………………censored………………..]

Note: The rest of the exchange between Akanishi Jin and Mori Katsuyuki degenerates into a long volley of unprintables, and suffice it to say that their correspondence does not end on a happy note. As of press time Akanishi-san has just concluded his Yellow Gold 3010 Tour, while Mori-san continues to race professionally – albeit he now moves around with a retinue of bodyguards, which he says is “just a safety precaution.” Having put the nightmarish Jin/Aquaneesha experience behind him, Mori-san looks forward to helping other troubled young Johnnies with their life problems – preferably those of a much more agreeable disposition than his previous protégé. At the present Mori-san is, in fact, corresponding with his latest advice-seeker, a young and driven JE talent who writes his letters anonymously but always signs off with the codename “Turtle Diva.”


******

It goes without saying that the letters are entirely a work of fiction, I repeat wholly and 100% fiction — just in case one or two readers out there start Googling “Mori advice column + Jin” (lol). It was all done in the spirit of fun, so please don’t start pelting this blog with week-old Big Macs and fries!

The evil idea for this post had been brewing in my noggin since around the time I posted the Anatomy of a (J-Pop) Breakup graphicspam, and the To the Faithless Departed commentary back in July and August 2010, respectively. I just thought that the idea of Jinny Boy writing Mori for advice was chock-full of delicious possibilities, and therefore an opportunity that I could not find in my heart to pass up.

“Tuesdays with Mori” is obviously a pun on Mitch Albom’s inspirational best-seller “Tuesdays with Morrie” (not that I’m particularly a fan of the book, or of Albom). And if you’re familiar with the fantasy writer and theologian C.S. Lewis, you’ll recognize that this post’s epistolary style was inspired by Lewis’ classic satirical novel “The Screwtape Letters,” in which a senior demon (Uncle Screwtape) mentors a junior demon (Wormwood) on how to – literally – bedevil a newly converted Christian.

So… thanks to Mr. Albom and to Professor Lewis for the whole letter-writing idea. And of course, a mirriyon ssankyouus to Akanishi Jin, without whom there would be no such post to speak of. (May you find your Yellow pot of Gold at the end of the JE rainbow, Jinny Boy.)

About 10% of the content of Jin’s “letters” is based on news updates culled from the LiveJournal comms, Tokyograph, Tokyohive and other sources, as well as Jin’s actual interviews with UTB that aired over the past several months. The other 90% I, uh, yanked out of my wazoo. Er, brain. Er, same thing. (lol) But I must sadly disown that “Aquaneesha” bit, though. It did not I repeat did NOT come from me, my brain or my wazoo. In the Nov. 27th interview aired by UTB, Jin (or should I say, The Artist Formerly Known as Akanishi) opened up about his recent appearance on MTV Iggy (cue: cutaway shots of screaming, crying, hyperventilating fans). He then proceeded to talk about his… onstage alter-ego, Aquaneesha (I kid you not), who takes over Jinny’s body whenever he performs before a live audience.  See excerpted transcript below:

UTB: “After you get on the stage, you’re awesome!”

The Artist Formerly Known as Akanishi: “That’s not me. My switch is on. I call him Aquaneesha, the switched-on version of myself… I’m Akanishi, that guy’s Aquaneesha.”

*respectful moment of silence*

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

– Ender’s Girl

***

Photo credits: ageofmmorpg.ru, asiapacificarts.usc,edu, happyfacesrock @ LiveJournal, jpn13sub @ WordPress, prweb.com, pornvilai @ LiveJournal, purpleskymagazine.com, thegrandline.com

See it to believe!!! Above transcript taken from Jin’s 11/27/2010 interview, YouTube link found here.


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49 Comments on “Tuesdays with Mori”

  1. jana Says:

    OMG! *howling with laughter at my workplace, looking like a fool* I can’t stop laughing! You cracked me up with this hilarious fanfic (and I want to read moar! moar!, hahaha).🙂 Jin departing from his (boy)band/friend with all the angst and uncertainty just for his dream to make it worldwide, but then ending up performing on the street in D. S. grasp, oh my poor naive boy! Even though Mori-kun did his best, it couldn’t be helped, ne? I’m so glad you’re still interested in Aquaneesha/KAT-TUN’s affairs🙂 Recently I’ve found this alternative universe (thanks to Jin’s con in Chicago) that is as funny and absorbing as yours (the chapter with Extended Recess attending a concert is a must).
    http://stupid-girl.net/recess.html

    *looking forward to Turtle Diva / Mori part*

    • Ender's Girl Says:

      ^ OMG thanks for sharing that link! *bearhug* The Extended Recess fics are HILARIOUS and they suit the boys’ temperaments perfectly (bwahaha @ Type A Kame! bwahaha @ beer-drinkin’ stoner Jin!). Yeah, the Nagase concert fic was a scream! I also luffd the one where KimuTaku makes an appearance (lmao @ Mr BIGGGGG) and comes between Akame!😀 (and lololol how Jimmy Mackey always comes out the villain hahaha)

      Oh dear, I really just meant for this post to be a stand-alone. I only wrote in that bit about Mori helping Kame with his personal sh*t as a way to cap the whole letter-writing rollercoaster freak-exchange. Glad you enjoyed it, nonetheless.😉

      • jana Says:

        I’m so happy you liked ER that much, they never fail to make me laugh with their hard life and all the JE cameo appearances🙂 Have you seen the pic of them riding segways? It reminded me of SMAP doing the same thing during their con in 2008, lol🙂

        OK, no more Mori/troubled Johnnies letters, but I’m satisfied enough with Aquannesha/Turtle Diva night and day adventures idea.

        • Ender's Girl Says:

          Omo yahhhh them itty bitty Skooters from the Fyoooture that SMAP (less Nakai) used to zip around the stage in their 2008 con!!! Hahahah totally!!!😀

          (lmao @ “troubled Johnnies” though to be honest the term is probably redundant lol ;-))

  2. Jenny Says:

    I…… can’t……stop…….laughing!!
    This is just so hilarous, the letters are brilliant. Really Mori-san’s letter exchange with others should be featured more often.
    I love how “Jin” thinks kat-tun were the cool ones in the jimusho and how the rest are boring(rofl Arashi, News)well except Yamapi of course and the rest of his gang(I believe Shirota Yu is in it to even though he’s not a JE)The description of the guys are brilliant, Ueda crying in a corner ;D(I can actually imagine that)
    Hopefully Mori-san will continue to give his advive to other young men in his situation even though Aquaneesha did not!
    Aquaneeeeeesha, could’t help it I can just imagine Jin wearing somthing outlandish and screaming that.

    • Ender's Girl Says:

      Hahaha, thanks Jenny!🙂 But I’m afraid I don’t know much about the other Johnnies to channel them through letters. Still it was a fun post to do and I’m happy you got some laughs out of it. ^^;;

      “Aquaneeeeeesha, could’t help it I can just imagine Jin wearing somthing outlandish and screaming that.” << Whoa, massive brainwave right there. What you said gave me flashes of Jin screaming his alter-ego's name and transforming into a masked crusader or something. Aquaneesha and Turtle Diva would make a grrreat dynamic duo, doncha think? Rival Johnnies by day, crime-fighting lovers er, tomodachi by night, lolzzz. Imma write that one up when I’m done with my YamaPi fairytale (pooor abandoned PiPi!). But you gave me a great seed idea for 2011. Muchas gracias!😉

      • Jenny Says:

        Ooooh, nice idea! Glad to be of help;D
        Poor Kame, how will he make it without his (boyfriend)friend.

        Yamapi fairytale, now that I want to hear!
        Poor dead fish eyes, he has been neglected lately now with Nino being the new king of arama(apparently he is a sexual powerhouse rofl) and former king Kin loosing his throne.

        • Ender's Girl Says:

          I think HRH Akanishi Jin, King of Arama, abdicated his throne when he moved to the US — where he’ll have to earn a new crown and title — King of Perezhilton? King of Dlisted? King of JustJared?😛

          (lmao @ Nino = sexual powerhauz!!! new king in da hauz!!!)

  3. aska595 Says:

    how amazing
    he is handsome
    great feelings

  4. momosan Says:

    giggle. giggle. Ok can’t stand it, laughing madly. oh my.

  5. Ellen Says:

    Too funny!

    This is why you can’t get your dramas watched – because you are busy channeling Mori kun!

    • Ender's Girl Says:

      Thanks! lol how did you know… *twiddles thumbs*😀 Oh, channeling Mori I had no problem with. It was getting into Jin’s skin that made me lose a few IQ points and a few thousand brain cells, blergggh @__@

  6. Elli Says:

    LOL, omg, it’s ages since I last read something that funny, my mum must have thought I’ve gone nuts, since I was laughing all the time😄

    thanks for this awesome piece of…ahm…awesomness😄 (man, I’m bad with words ^^’)

  7. arashigirl Says:

    jajajaja OMG+ it’s very funny, please more letters

  8. Una Says:

    rotflmao … I feel for Mori-kun .. but with a letter pal as Bakanishi it can’t be helped. I always thought he had a few LEDs missing in his light show anyway and now I see that I’m not alone in this assumption.
    Thank you for the laughs.😀

  9. Lalalee Says:

    OMG, I just hope you will continue this “Mori column” it’s sooooooo hilarious… I love you for this😀

    • Ender's Girl Says:

      Hey Lalalee!🙂 Hahaha I didn’t have anything planned beyond one installment of Mori’s advice column, but thank you for the encouragement just the same! It means a lot😀

  10. doozy Says:

    I know very little of Kat-TUN except for that one, erm, traumatic experience but your picture choice of Jin in the cover for this post spoke to me and told me that I MUST check it out.

    And Oh my goodness! I should not have read this at 10:30 pm because it was hard to contain my laughter. This is genius! ahahahahahhahahahah
    I love that Jin talks like a SoCal valley girl even before he leaves the group. I’m also glad that he orders an adult meal at MC D’s and not one of those Happy Meals! The kissy piggy bank, the psuedo phone connection… gold!

    I actually feel bad for the Jin in the letters. So gullible. Poor thing!

    “Tuesdays with Mori” is obviously a pun on Mitch Albom’s inspirational best-seller “Tuesdays with Morrie” (not that I’m particularly a fan of the book, or of Albom).
    *high five*
    When I saw this in class a few years ago, most people were in awe while my friend and I just looked at the each, not really feeling what the movie was preaching.

    Just curious, how long did it take you to write these letters?

    • Ender's Girl Says:

      Ehhh? There’s a “Tuesdays with Morrie” movie? Zzzzz….. lulz😀 I dunno, but I hardly remember the LIFE!!! TRUTHS!!! that Ol’ Morrie-san imparted to the narrator ‘coz they felt so trite anyway. (And it’s also kind of lulz how people who aren’t regular readers — like most of our local celebs here — ALWAYS cite “Tuesdays w/ Morrie” and “The Alchemist” as their all-time favorite books, hahahaha *nasty laughter* Mitch Albom and Coelho are like the Richard Bach for the new millennium — feel-good lit. Their works oughtta be called “lighterature” ‘coz they feel so insubstantial despite the Deep! Philosophical! Nuggets! they supposedly come chockablock with. I got nuthin’ against readers of Albom and Coelho, but to limit your literary world to these two is like *ehem* subsisting on Happy Meals and milkshakes everyday for the rest of your life because you happened to like McDonald’s food when you first tasted it.)

      To answer your question: the bulk of the letters just took me a week to write, on/off. But only ‘coz I’d been laying the mental groundwork since July or August. These past months I’d get these disjointed flashes of Jinny being accosted by Johhny — oops, Donny Shirakawa — on the street, Jinny working as drug mule, Kame and Jin’s nightly “convos” (my favorite!!! :D), etc. etc. — just random vignettes that would get me giggling in the middle of the day. I also scribbled the draft of Jin’s first letter at the back of my work planner a few months ago (I was between meetings and had time to burn :-)). But I only got to sit down and piece it all together just last week.

      It wasn’t as difficult as I thought it would be ‘coz the above scenarios were already there. The hard work was establishing the timeline and story flow — because I wanted the letters to tell some kind of story complete with the rising action, climax & breakdown of their relationship, & the resolution, so it wouldn’t feel like a bunch of random letters strung together. And once I decided to make Jin’s relationship with Donny S. the focus of the story — and therefore the sticking point/thorn in Jin and Mori’s mentee-mentor relationship, it was easy to write the rest of the letters. I also had to decide on what tone Mori and Jin would adopt. (But Jin actually ended up sounding like a Valley Girl, a Gangsta, and YamaPi from my Devolution fairytale at various time, lol. So much for deciding on just one tone. X_o)

      I also had to spend a few hours doing “research” — which basically meant digging up YouTube clips of Boy George’s “Do You Really Want to Hurt Me” music video (so I could describe his outfit and then make Jin wear that, lol) plus that scene from The Wedding Singer where the Boy George wannabe in Adam Sandler’s band sings said song over and over again and the guests get all riled up, lol. That was probably one of the funniest moments from that movie.😀 Couple more quick looks at old KAT-TUN PVs (to refresh my memory :-)) and maybe a few more hours looking for pics and photoshopping the cover pic, and a few last test runs for fine-tuning — and the post was all set for publication.😉

      • doozy Says:

        wowza, wat a response!🙂

        because I wanted the letters to tell some kind of story complete with the rising action, climax & breakdown of their relationship, & the resolution
        totally! that is why this piece is so brilliant!

  11. jicks Says:

    ROFLLL ^O^;;;!!!! *buries face in large size French fries* I feel so guilty for laughing AND finding pleasure in this- thanks for sharing the dirt on The Adventures of Americana Jin! lol

    Firstly, THERE IS NO WAY mah boy penned these letters in English as he used way too many eloquent English words gahahaha

    Secondly, lmfao @ Jinny signing off every letter (except for the last couple) with “‘Coz Imma make it worldwide.” Oh how I am in tears for the manskank (;O;) Poor Mori trying to give him guidance but w/ Jin-kun’s delusional attitude he may as well have just sent him… Maccas coupons instead lol

    And… I felt sick to the core finding myself chuckling at & relishing in the Akame references (deary deary dear…) *fond tear* xDDDDDD Sounds like Turtle Diva must be really missing his Big Boy Yellow Gold Boy lol. Perhaps, one day they will reunite again… on the cover of AnAn, since it appears that Jinny is so proud of his first cover work. Mebbe even his pickup buddy Yamashita-kun can join in in the action as well ( ̄□ ̄;) lol

    Btw, if I saw Jinny on the streets with a tin can I would so give him all my loose change before taking him down to the nearest McDonald’s & treating him to a Happy Meal & a giant milkshake ;Ooo

    • Ender's Girl Says:

      “Poor Mori trying to give him guidance but w/ Jin-kun’s delusional attitude he may as well have just sent him… Maccas coupons instead lol” << Bwahaha I know right!??!?!😀 At least Jin would've put those coupons to better use than poor Mori's unheeded advice Q_Q

      “Perhaps, one day they will reunite again… on the cover of AnAn… Mebbe even his pickup buddy Yamashita-kun can join in in the action as well” << aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee *shoots French fries outta each nostril* aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee *regurgitates biggie milkshake while crying blood* I HAVE NO WORDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! @_______@ And if that day ever comes, said AnAn issue will UNDOUBTEDLY outsell all Arashi & SMAP mags and all of Haruki Murakami’s novels several times over!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      Re Jinny’s eloquence — well let’s not underestimate the man now, shall we? Remember he did say “leeway” in that UTB interview — without any coaching, so mebbe his vocab really is much better than we’d like to think… or not, hah hah hah. For all we know his linguistic repertoire these days is limited to words like “supersize” and “extra whipped cream please” lololol😀

      And I must commend you for your charitable overtures towards Jinny Boy… heh heh heh. The poor boy will be so grateful he’ll mow the lawn and shovel snow for your family for the rest of his life, lol

  12. jicks Says:

    ^^Oh we don’t get snow here but he can, I dunno, he could make my bed every morning or something -_-;;; *chucks up breakfast from 3 days ago*

    All jokes aside, I’m really wondering how long the boy is going to stick to his American endeavours and if ever he will return to his home soil (before they forget who is is >_>… I mean, he can’t possibly live on & be fulfilled doing these small gigs for the rest of his life, right?

    • Ender's Girl Says:

      Make your bed? In a French maid uniform?😉 Nothing better than waking up to the smell of bacon, coffee, and stale ciggy smoke mingled with gin, lol

      “he can’t possibly live on & be fulfilled doing these small gigs for the rest of his life, right?” << I know right? His intimate little shows are small enough to fit under a staircase. Aim big, Jin!!! Madison Square Garden in 2011!!! Er… parking lot. I meant the Madison Square Garden parking lot.😀

      • jicks Says:

        lol, that’ll be a YES to the coffee, a YES to the bacon (with eggs, & preferably nothing from the McDonald’s menu,) a NO-WAY-Jose! to the ciggy+gin aromas but… a mebbe to the French Maid uniform- only if he’s washed his hair & done it up nicely in a bun that day (btw, how have we not picked on his hair these days more? Someone find the boy a hairdresser in the States who can speak Japanese already!!!)

        hahahaha at the image of him busking in the parking lot at MSG. I will be sure to have plenty of loose change to chuck at him lol And maybe, you bring Kame along & let him watch Jin secretly from afar… I don’t know what this will achieve but you know, I’m sure it’s always nice to see how your ex-band members are sucking doing, right?^^;

        • Ender's Girl Says:

          Hahahaha @ Kame keeping tabs from his secret spot from inside one of the portalet stalls in the MSG parking lot!!! Then after Jin’s con you, me, Jin and Kame (first we’ll make them kiss & make out er make up lol) can all go for a bbq on the terrace of Jin’s hotel room and you can share with us your special Aussie carpetbag steak recipe for a change from all the McD’s trans fats… And of course Miura can drop by with red wine (the boy’s legal now after all) and we can all have a jolly good time talking about Gokusen the Movie and JE vs Amuse and how does Miura keep his skin so smooth and sh*t like that, lulz😀

          Btw, looks like Jinny’s association with Donny S. is paying off after all: (though I’m sure you already know about this)

          Akanishi Jin signs with Warner Music Japan

          • jicks Says:

            Lovin’ ya Night in New York scenario ^O^..! I am so there with some good ol’ Aussie steak although, actually, I don’t eat beef but hey, Jin can have my share lol And I bet also Kame will be taking more notes on Miura’s beauty tips that us two ahahaha

            Btw, yeah I heard Jinny’s news… at least there is someone in this world believes in his dreams lol In all seriousness, at least now he has some real support & hopefully he’ll get to work with some good producers.

            Now all he has to do is work on his English>O>…

          • Ender's Girl Says:

            You’re giving Jinny your steak? Awww… so sweet! (Heyyy why you always so nice to the boy? lulz) Er… or mebbe instead of meat we oughtta put him on a macrobiotic diet to detox all the cholesterol and preservatives from his system, lol

            (Kame surreptitiously jotting down notes in his stationery pad (with this sticker on the cover) while watching Miura with envy in his eye, lol = YES. TOTALLY!!! :D)

            “Btw, yeah I heard Jinny’s news… at least there is someone in this world believes in his dreams lol” << ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!! *pounds table* Well hopefully Warner Music will "yoroshiku onegaishimasu" our dear Jinny Boy so… let's see how that international career takes shape. What I'd like to know is whether J-One (read: Johnny) will be co-producing his albums with Warner, or if the Warner gig's an exclusive contract? I can't imagine The Goblin King letting Jin go so easily…

  13. pir Says:

    you crack me up. *waves*. hi; i have no idea how i got here, but i’ve been enjoying myself. i LOVELOVELOVE nobuta wo produce! my favourite jdrama ever.

    nice reference to gokusen up there, too!

    I call him Aquaneesha, the switched-on version of myself…

    OMG… *flail*. no words! though i admit my heart went out to him in that interview in which he was asked whether he’d like the song to become successful, and where his whole face lit up. ghods; for a moment there was the real person and his hopes and dreams. and i am not even a jin fan (i’m so sorry to admit that i prefer kame, but maybe that’s only because i am not very knowledgeable about behind-the-scenes machinations).

    • Ender's Girl Says:

      Hey there, nice to meet you! Hahaha, I dunno how you stumbled into my neck of the woods (through Livejournal? someone else’s blog? a Google search?) but I’m glad you did anyway!😀

      Yeah, poor Jinny, pinning all his childhood fantasies on the Eemmerican Dream. At least Warner Music’s taken him under their wing (his international solo album is debuting this March if I’m not mistaken). Let’s see how it goes, eh?😉

  14. danni Says:

    Dying. Laughing. I don’t read JE fanfics, but this was just too funny, especially Jin’s excitement over McDonald’s and all of his “Imma make it worldwide!”

    Aquaneesha? Really? REALLY? C’mon Jin, I know you want to look cool for your fans and everything and be a Western celeb and have an alter-ego like J.Lo and Beyonce, but Aquaneesha? I don’t even know what to say to that.

    • Ender's Girl Says:

      Hahaha thanks! Glad you enjoyed the laughs! Always nice to share this kind of stuff with fellow non-hypersensitive fans😉 I know there are a lot of meta jokes only KT/JE fandoms would get, but oh well😛

      If Aquaneesha cared at all, he might be happy to know that this blogger is currently loving “Eternal” and has the single on heavy rotation on her phone’s media player. Hahahaha😀

  15. Peggy Says:

    Omg..you are so wicked. Here I am preparing for a colonoscopy and I click on this masterpiece. I didn’t know who to feel sorry for..Mori or Jin and finally decided to feel sorry for me. I’m sure you understand.

    You are so wicked

    • Ender's Girl Says:

      I hope the colonoscopy yielded nothing bad.😦 (My dad had one a few months ago.) Hugs and prayers all around!

      (Oh, I wouldn’t feel sorry for Jin if I were you, lol. He’s doing that ronin movie with Keanu Reeves. He’s a big Hollywood actor now! :D)

  16. Peggy Says:

    My Osawa is actually doing that? Is it being made in- hiccup–H.wood? Well unless he comes fifty miles south I will not search him out.

    I fell asleep this time and was not able to see my innards. Not happy with Doc. However, all is well. Just have to check now and then after everything else removed. Free for next three years now.
    Only have to see my darling Dr.Cheng, oncologist. Life is good.

  17. Peggy Says:

    Just came to my senses…not my Osawa Takao at all. Sigh of relief.


  18. […] (Related posts: Anatomy of a J-Pop Breakup ; To the Faithless Departed ; Tuesdays with Mori) […]

  19. leilana Says:

    That’s. Simply. Wonderful.😄
    How come did I miss this up until now?! E.G, you’re the best!

  20. Peggy Says:

    Year of the Dragon. Happiness everywhere so maybe some of the dragonfire will help Jin get a move on. I don’t see anything in the entertainment reviews about him. Is he still in LaLaLand?

    What happenedabout the movie?

  21. South American Says:

    OMG every time there is some Akame moment I just LMFAO.

    SO good, soo good, everything.


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