The Night Before Christmas (starring Johnny Kitagawa)

I promise, this is the last of my holiday rhymes. For this year. I meant, the last for this year. Heh heh heh. Or should I say, Ho Ho Ho. Without further ado:


by Ender’s Girl

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through Japan
Not a creature was stirring, except for one man:
Prowling the darkened streets with great care,
In hopes that police would not notice him there.

The children were nestled all snug on their mats,
While the moon shone bright through the old bamboo slats.
All warm in their jammies, in wool blankets wrapped,
They drifted to dreamland for a long winter’s nap.

In the yard of one house, on the snow-covered surface,
A dark form descended, a shadowy menace.
Out of the night air it sudd’nly appeared:
A miniature sleigh, and eight puny reindeer.

In front sat the driver, so nimble and quick,
Who was none but Johnny, that evil old prick!
Plodding and wheezing, his critters they came,
He whistled so faintly and hissed out their names:

“Now Yabu! Now, Chinen! Now, Hikaru and Yuto!
On, Yamada! On, Daiki! On Ryutaro and Inoo!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Hey! I say jump away all!”

The eight stunted reindeer, dragging their hoofs,
Piteously crawled their way up to the roof.
But out came the whip, and they whickered in fright;
The sleigh rocked and swayed, for its load was but light.

For inside were nought but a few filthy sacks,
All empty for now… but not on the trip back.
And then, in a twinkling, with nary a sound,
Down the chimney Johnny came with a bound!

He was dressed in rich sable from head to toe,
Hunched and misshapen, like an oversized crow.
A large dirty sack he had flung on one shoulder,
And wherever he crept, the air got a bit colder.

His eyes were black buttons that gleamed in the dark,
And his skin had the texture of moldering bark.
Those cheeks, gray and lumpy, were like Elmer Fudd’s,
But his teeth were small razors, flecked with dried blood.

From the living room, down the hall did he glide,
And stopped at the door with the wee ones inside.
Three boys lay sleeping, aged ten to thirteen,
50-foot robots invading their dreams.

Johnny spoke not a word, but went straight to work:
Bagged the poor lads, then tied the sack with a jerk.
Back out he raced, while hauling his loot,
Before the parents woke and saw what was afoot.

Up through the chimney, to the getaway sleigh,
One crack of his whip — up, up, and away!
For there was much to do; the night was still young.
Till the sacks were all filled, his job was not done.

Countless boys lay, unsuspecting, in bed,
Oblivious to the horrors that waited ahead.
Old Kitagawa needed more for his collection,
Ergo this multiple moonlight abduction.

His “Juniors” he called them, but in fact were his thralls.
(They’d grow up like eunuchs ‘coz he cut off their… uh, hair.)
But such was their fate, and our sad tale ends here;
Be thankful you were spared, and I wish you good cheer.

THE END

***
Photo template taken from jimnolt.com. Poem adapted from the 1823 Yuletide classic, “A Visit from St. Nicholas” by Clement Clarke Moore. Sincere apologies to Mr. Moore (and St. Nick) from The Little Dorama Girl. The tone of this poem was also partly inspired by Charles Dickens’ deliciously grisly short story, “Captain Murderer.”

Explore posts in the same categories: J-Ent: Welcome to the Freakshow, Miscellaneous

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14 Comments on “The Night Before Christmas (starring Johnny Kitagawa)”

  1. doozy Says:

    Man, you are on a roll, aren’t you?! ahhahahha
    And your photoshopping skills improved! (Really. No sarcasm here.)

  2. Jenny Says:

    Wonderful poem! Bravo what a work of art!
    I’m in awe of your poetry skills.(really I can’t even make a rhyme)
    It was to funny, I wouldn’t be suprised if that’s how Johnny gets his (slaves)trainees.

    • Ender's Girl Says:

      Hahaha, thanks Jenny!😀 The idea hit me earlier this week; I just thought that the mental image of Johnny-san going on a boynapping spree all over Japan was too funny to ignore. I had some downtime on the 23rd (right before the big kahuna of Yuletide+NewYear celebrations) so I was able to work on this poem. Luckily for me the inspiration just flowed and I finished the poem in record time. Besides, the template was already there so it was just a matter of tweaking some parts to make them more Johnnyfied.🙂

  3. jana Says:

    Haha, we read the original poem in an English class during a Christmas lesson several years ago🙂 Your remake feels rather like A Nightmare Before Christmas, definitely for the poor HSJ kids🙂

    • Ender's Girl Says:

      Heh heh heh. I hope this version didn’t spoil your good memories of the original poem!🙂 Speaking of “A Nightmare Before Christmas”, I was *this* close to naming the parody “A Fright Before Christmas” or something scary-sounding, but at the last minute decided to go with the original title.

      Poor HSJumpies! *nasty grin* I was tempted to paste their faces on a bunch of reindeer and add ’em to the title poster beside Jolly Ol’ St. Johnny, but decided it was too much work, lol. Besides, I can’t even match their names to their faces (except for Nakajima Yuto).

  4. wolforion20 Says:

    LMAO! Good job E.G. Another chuk-a-licious holiday rendition. Like how you didn’t finish the very last rhyme. You do a pretty good job at keeping the original rhythm.

    This is so dirty and so good at the same time.

  5. mil. Says:

    Now Yabu! Now, Chinen! Now, Hikaru and Yuto!
    On, Yamada! On, Daiki! On Ryutaro and Inoo!

    HAHAHAHAHA, this is brilliant! the eight puny reindeers are pure gold!😀
    I weep for all those Juniors who’ve had to give up their…hair so early in life, alack! alas! all these Kames, Jins and Yamapis waiting to happen!

    • Ender's Girl Says:

      LOL, I didn’t even know half those Jumpies until I looked ’em up. It was fun choosing which names would make the 8-reindeer short list, though.😀

      Gawwd I hope none of these critterlings grow up to be Kame/Jin/Pi, but I guess that’s inevitable, ugh. At least Nakajima Yuto has what it takes to be a romantic lead — maybe in 10 more years. I’m just scared that Kame has evil designs to take Yuto under his wing — if he hasn’t already, that is. The poor thing.

  6. lord_jedi Says:

    Where on earth do you get Johnny-san pic? *_* I thought his face is unknown to the world and majority of Japan population. xD;;

  7. metropolis Says:

    “‘coz he cut off their… uh, hair.”
    I’m late about this post but I can’t stop laughing at this one😄


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